Punch Lines

Two dog owners were arguing about whose pet was smarter.

“My dog is so smart,” said the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.”

“I know,” said the second owner.

“How do you know?”

“My dog told me.”

—John Veltkamp

When my grandsons, Zack and Bailey, were much younger, they used to love to go to yard sales with me. I would give them each $5 so they could buy something—as long as it went home with them. One day we were driving past Second Christian Reformed Church, and, being a member of First CRC, Zack read the sign with interest. Then he said to me excitedly, “Look, Grandma, we beat them reforming!”

—Sharon Baddis

We were celebrating our granddaughter Kate’s 5th birthday when she proceeded to ask me, “Grandma, how old are you?” Feeling rather smug about being a relatively young grandma, I said, “I’m 54.”

“Wow,” Kate said, “you’re going to be dead pretty soon!”

—Jan Dirksen

The Goemans moved from a two-bedroom home to a three-bedroom home. Their children were quite excited. Claimed 4-year-old Melissa, “Jeannie and I are twins, so we have to stay together forever. Angie [the 6 year old] has her own room. Maybe someday we can move to a four-bedroom home, then Daddy can have his own room too. Now he has to stay in the same room as Mommy.”

—William Veldboom

One of our family traditions is my calling each of our children and singing “Happy Birthday” to them early on the mornings of their birthdays. One year I was in the hospital on my youngest daughter’s birthday, which is April 1, so my husband carried on the tradition.

He dialed early that morning, and finally the phone was picked up on the other end. With his best effort, he bellowed out “Happy Birthday” loudly and off-key. When he finished, an angry voice on the other end—definitely not our daughter’s—said, “Did you get me out of the basement to play an April Fool’s joke?”

Thus ended my husband’s singing career.

—Henrietta Beyer

“I see that your husband has a new suit,” a member of the congregation remarked to my wife.

“Oh, you noticed?”

“Yes, I saw a sales tag dangling from one of the sleeves when he pronounced the benediction.”

—(Rev.) Harry A. VanderWindt

While stopped for a red light, a trucker glanced in his side-view mirror and saw a man running up to his truck. The man knocked on his door, and when the trucker lowered his window the man said, “Hi, my name’s Jerry, and I thought you’d like to know that you’re losing some of your load.”

The trucker ignored the man and proceeded down the street. When he stopped for another red light, the man jumped out and ran to his truck again: “Hi, my name’s Jerry, and I don’t know if you heard me before, but you’re losing some of your load.”

The trucker shook his head in disbelief and continued down the street. When stopped at the next light, the trucker got out and knocked on the window of the man’s car. After the man lowered it, the trucker said, “Hi, my name’s Kevin. It’s winter in Michigan, and I’m driving a salt truck.”

—George Vander Weit

A minister is out for a walk when a brand-new Lexus driven by an elder of his congregation pulls to the curb. Suddenly a truck sideswipes the Lexus, tearing the driver’s door off.

The elder climbs out and begins shouting that his car is ruined, it will never be the same, not even the best body shop can make it new again.

Stunned by the man’s outburst, the minister chides him, saying that he is shocked by the elder’s materialist attitude. The minister tells him there are many more important things than a car—didn’t the elder realize that in the collision his left arm was torn off?

Stunned, the man stops yelling for a few seconds and looks down at the vacant place where his arm had been. Then he yells, “Oh no, my Rolex too!”

—Dave Hollander