Editor's note: This article is the first in a three-part series by Todd Pheiffer, the author of Let's Talk!: A Guide to Awkward Conversations and Unifying Dialogue in the Church. Pick up the book on Amazon and follow along on The Banner's Facebook and X pages for discussion about the book and its important topic.
Most of us do not start each day hoping to have tough conversations. Why would we? We have enough stress without adding difficult dialogue. We can be particularly intentional about avoiding conflict with friends and loved ones with whom we have invested years of relationship cultivation. Why mess with success—or at least the status quo? Avoidance, accommodation, and compromise are all ways people minimize disagreement, and those choices can have value in certain situations.
Yet God made us to have deep relationships (Prov. 27:17). Though sin will always erect barriers, Christians should never completely sidestep disagreement. There are many opportunities for productive dialogue that can develop unity as we collectively share the gospel, and we can’t always wait for an ideal environment. Some conversations will be awkward no matter how much we desire smooth interactions. So how can we have hard conversations without wrecking relationships or deepening divides? Here are a few tips.
Prioritize depth
Anyone who has experienced long-term relationships knows that eventually there will be conflict. These are not pleasant phases, but when navigated with love, grace, and forgiveness, they can build depth in the relationship. The same goes for the church. Exchanging cheerful pleasantries on a Sunday morning can be a warm expression of welcome, but they should be a precursor to richer conversations. Spiritual growth, discipleship, and harmony are the goals. Tip: Seek depth in your relationships and accept that in order to reach that level there might be some conflict along the way.
Assess goals
Admittedly, it can be difficult for us to embrace difficult conversations, particularly with people we have disagreed with for some time. Even so, we should start from a mindset of hope and belief that God can bring harmony to any relationship. If we are honest, we know we sometimes approach dialogue in the same way we pursue sports or other competitions. We want to win—or more specifically, we want to defeat our opponent. But a win-at-all-costs attitude does not foster mutual understanding. Dialogue is not a duel. Tip: Honestly assess whether you want to make a point or want to make progress.
Confess without caveats
A former colleague of mine regularly critiques Christ followers and the church at large on social media. Mostly I do not respond, but occasionally I will post a comment. Sometimes I express a differing opinion; other times I acknowledge his critique and apologize on behalf of my fellow believers. It’s important to note that I am not apologizing for the gospel (Rom. 1:16-17). I’m confessing our collective failures as the body of Christ and acknowledging the gap between biblical teachings and our behaviors as sinful people. When I hurt others—and I have, many times—I have to own my choices and apologize without excuses. Tip: Instead of saying, “I’m sorry there has been conflict between us,” try saying, “I’m sorry for how I have contributed to conflict between us.”
Build on commonality
Early on in a recent book group that had worked together for years, two people verbalized their very different political opinions. These viewpoints unfolded as we discussed, but we also were able to identify many shared beliefs, including some core values. Finding commonality is not just an exercise in avoiding conflict. It’s an opportunity to build on existing agreement rather than having no foundation for dialogue. Tip: When you engage in awkward conversations, make a point to note common viewpoints, particularly if they are key aspects of worldviews.
Agree on definitions
Despite diligent efforts by translators, linguists, and teachers, there are still barriers to understanding the nuances of language. In my next article for The Banner, I will address certain words that can cause conversational problems, but for now it is important to note that in difficult conversations, some time should be given to defining terms. It might seem inefficient to spend time on what is essentially a conversational glossary, but it might add needed clarity as the dialogue continues. Obviously some terms are hard to easily explain, but God has given us unique abilities to reason and articulate, and we should employ them. Tip: If the meaning of a word or phrase is not clear, humbly and politely ask your conversation partner for a definition.
Listen intently
James 1:22-25 addresses our tendency to forget God’s word almost immediately and highlights our shortcomings when it comes to listening. Scientists confirm that the human brain can struggle with processing multiple pieces of information at once. Our minds might start formulating a response to something a speaker said while that person is still talking. This means our brains will likely fail to process the rest of what’s being said while we wait for the speaker to pause. We might even miss the speaker addressing what we’re thinking about. Lest we assume that our listening is adequate, there might be value in conducting an experiment. Tip: Ask those who know you and will give you an honest answer if you are a good listener.
Value learning
You do not know everything. Sorry. If it makes you feel any better, neither do I. When it comes to dialogue, it’s vital for us to allow that our perspective might be flawed or even incorrect. This is another opportunity to reflect: Do you want to learn? Do you consider the possibility that your perspective is misguided, incomplete, and in some cases simply wrong? Could you have been believing and sharing the wrong perspective for years or even decades? Confess your failures to God, and pray for humility in your conversations. Tip: Instead of being quick to verbally express disagreement, try asking people to explain their perspective.
Pursue patient progress
Sometimes people feel as if they aren’t progressing, particularly with difficult dialogue. This is understandable, but it can be shortsighted. Trust takes time, and breaking through barriers might not happen with one conversation. We must be patient, accept that there will be setbacks, and maintain long-term goals. The phrase “agree to disagree” can be expressed all too soon in a conversation. There are biblical principles that have no middle ground, but we can still continue our scriptural pursuit of harmony in the church. Tip: At the end of a difficult conversation, say “Let’s talk again!” Then take a moment to set a time to do that.
These suggestions are not one-size-fits-all. Even with such mindful dialogue, some relationships still cause deep hurt. Interactions with those people should be done with great care and could benefit from support from others. Other relationships are not as traumatic, but there might still be wisdom in pausing for a time before engaging in further dialogue. While paused, we should fervently pray for wisdom and consult with people who can give us counsel on next steps.
May you hold unswervingly to the hope we profess (Heb. 10:23-25), and even if the conversation is awkward at times, keep meeting together!
Book links:
Let's Talk!: A Guide to Awkward Conversations and Unifying Dialogue in the Church
https://www.amazon.com/Lets-Talk-Conversations-Unifying-Dialogue/dp/162586244X/
Business Ethics: The Search for an Elusive Idea
About the Author
Todd Pheifer teaches in the School of Business and Management at Azusa Pacific University and is director of development at Kingdom Causes Bellflower. He lives in southern California and attends Bethany Christian Reformed Church in Bellflower.