“Hey, you wanna play tic-tac-toe?” Startled, I glanced up from my seat on the dusty Arizona ground to see a freckle-faced boy standing before me. He shifted his weight onto one foot, using the other to poke at the reddish dirt, his blue eyes questioning me. I didn’t know his name, but I recognized him as the kid with bright red hair who sat to my left in class all morning picking his nose.
It was recess—and my first day at a new school.
At the sound of the recess bell earlier, my third-grade classmates ran outside, shouting and laughing with their friends. I felt awkward and out of place. I slowly made my way to a quiet corner of the playground and sat in the dirt. As I stared unblinkingly at my new white tennis shoes, tears began to slide down my cheeks.
It was at this moment that the red-haired kid interrupted my thoughts with his request. “Uh … OK,” I said, wrapping my arms around my knees and studying my shoes again as if they were very interesting. Andrew plunked down next to me, leaning over to flatten some loose dirt with his palm. In the dirt, he rather crookedly drew a grid with his finger. Then he placed an X in the corner and looked at me expectantly.
As I played that first game of tic-tac-toe with Andrew, I knew I’d found a friend. We played many more games of tic-tac-toe at recess that year.
That summer, when my family moved again, I again became the new kid at school. But I had learned some important friend-making skills from my friend Andrew that I began using right away. In fact, I found myself still using these lessons when I started attending my current church a few years ago! Here's how I approach making new friends at church:
1. I choose to believe that people actually do want to be my friend.
When Andrew approached me, he displayed confidence that I would want to be his friend. In contrast, my worst fear as a kid was imposing my friendship on someone who didn’t really want to be my friend in the first place. To be honest, that fear still sometimes keeps me from approaching people after church on Sunday. I just do my best to ignore it.
2. I look for new faces and loners.
Andrew noticed I was new and sitting alone at recess. Still today, I look for people who are sitting alone in the church pew. I search for new faces. I try to make a note of the people who always leave immediately after the Sunday morning church services instead of lingering to chat with people. Over the years, I have found that these are the people that often are most in need of connection and friendship.
3. I invite people to do things with me.
For me, inviting people to do something with me requires the most bravery. Andrew invited me to play tic-tac-toe. I invite women I meet to join a Bible study at church. I invite people over to my house or out for coffee. Some people say yes; others say no. Just remember that not all people you meet will be a close friend at this point in both of your journeys—and that’s OK!
How are you making new friends at your church?
About the Author
Laurel Dykema has more than a decade of experience as a professional nonprofit writer. She lives in Grand Rapids, Mich., and attends Westend Christian Reformed Church.
