Susan lamented all she had missed because of her estrangement from her children. She understood their reasons for cutting her out years ago when addiction fueled her choices. Yet now, after many years of sobriety, she was still unwelcome and cut off from her grandkids. While she has resigned herself to this reality, it remains painful to be so alone and disconnected in her senior years.
For some, estrangement comes as an unwelcome surprise. John claims to have no idea how things got out of control in his family. He knew things weren’t great in the relationship he and his wife had with their son and daughter-in-law, but he felt as if they were making mountains out of molehills. They couldn’t agree on anything, and everyday things escalated quickly. They were shocked when their son filed a restraining order preventing them from contacting his family in any way. They didn’t see it coming, and now there is no path to mend fences. It is painful for relationships that God designed to be nurturing to instead be filled with distance and hostility.
Christians are not exempt from family relationship challenges. We might keep our family estrangement stories quiet out of shame, but they are more common than one might think. An article in Psychology Today suggests that one in four people are estranged from at least one family member. Such disunity is not uncommon, but it is not what God desires for us. Jesus shared a different vision for his people: “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:35). Yet in the brokenness of this world, our relationships suffer.
Why Does Estrangement Happen?
God fashioned us for community. As people made in the image of the triune God, we don’t thrive in isolation. We are designed to reflect the fellowship in the unity of Father, Son, and Spirit. Yet we live in a broken world with many issues that fracture relationships. Addiction, abuse, mental health concerns, and unhealthy communication are common in estranged relationships.
Estrangement might result from abusive behavior or an unhealthy power imbalance. When people pull away, they generally have a reason. They might perceive a lack of love and support or feel bullied. When someone in a relationship feels injured, pulling away from pain is a natural attempt to protect themselves from further injury. Dysfunctional relationships are painful.
Estrangement could also be a byproduct of failing to manage conflict effectively. Learning to speak the truth in love and address our concerns to those who have hurt us can transform a relationship. We can’t heal what we don’t acknowledge. If possible, discuss together whether boundaries or expectations need realignment. Sometimes strong fences are needed for safety, at least for a time. When navigating conflict, Jesus instructs us, we ought to name the offense and address our concerns with the person who has wronged us (Matt. 18:15-20). However, we should not place anyone in an unsafe situation, and we are encouraged to enlist the support of others to work toward justice and reconciliation (when possible). Counseling or mediation can help by allowing all the voices to be heard. Working with a counselor can also help us heal from past wounds and learn how to extend forgiveness. Setting clear boundaries is necessary when others don’t acknowledge the pain they have caused. No one should have to guess what offense they have committed or why others are upset.
Adjusting Expectations
Boundary expectations might differ across generations. Previous generations likely grew up expecting children to obey their parents without question. “Because I said so” was all the explanation needed. Sometimes parents have difficulty transitioning from a parent-to-child relationship to a parent-to-adult relationship. Adult children setting boundaries that defy parental expectations might then be viewed as disrespectful and disobedient. As adult children mature and seek to establish limits to protect themselves and their families, they might not always do so wisely. While parents might be stunned at their adult child’s defiance, their children might view it as self-care and protection of their family.
Uprooting Pride
Pride invites us to record wrongs and assign blame to others. While often in relational breakdowns there is some blame on all sides, pride prevents us from owning our contribution to the rift. Keeping score flows from our self-righteousness. Pride prevents us from extending an olive branch and building a path toward reconciliation. Humility, on the other hand, helps us see the world through the eyes of others. Every one of us messes up at times; the question is whether we will take responsibility for our actions when we fail.
Anger starts from a good place: recognizing injustice and striving to right the wrong. But sometimes we mistake our privileges for our rights, so some humble self-reflection can temper our anger. When we keep a tally of grievances, our hearts become bitter. Forgiveness is the key to keeping anger from becoming toxic. Jesus, enduring the horrific injustice of the cross, asked God to forgive his tormentors. Forgiveness is vital to uprooting the bitterness that underlies estrangement. We can set down our anger and allow God to be in charge of justice while still maintaining healthy boundaries that protect us from further abuse. Turning our anger over to God through forgiveness is essential for our spiritual and emotional health, but reconciliation depends upon repentance and changed behavior.
Setting Boundaries
While we might need boundaries for the health and safety of ourselves and our family, we need to approach setting limits prayerfully and in loving ways. Speaking our truth requires a loving context. Without love, our truth will be heard only as condemnation. Offer grace where you can. Being in the same space with an abuser is dangerous, and limits must be set firmly for safety. Yet there might be other situations where grace could be extended. Could you accept a letter or a Christmas gift even if you are not yet comfortable attending the holiday gathering? Could you let your kids connect with their grandparents through phone calls or supervised visits? While we should never put anyone in danger, extending grace like that we have received from Jesus can break down the dividing walls of hostility.
Is Estrangement Christian?
When Jesus talked about those unwilling to acknowledge the harm they have done to a relationship, his instructions were to treat them as a sinner or tax collector (Matt. 18:17). Some have used this as permission to cut people out of their lives, but that is not what Jesus was saying. Jesus calls us to love our enemies and even pray for them. The apostle Paul encouraged Christians to do their best to work things out without rushing to take legal action (1 Cor. 6:4-8). We should work to heal relationships when possible while still setting firm boundaries when they are needed. In the brokenness of our world, separation might be necessary, but it is something to grieve while we pray for God to work in the lives of our loved ones.
For Those Affected by Boundaries
If you face boundaries, respect the limits that have been asked of you. Violating them and trying to force a connection will only inflame feelings of disrespect. When boundaries are not respected, the next step is distance, if not restraining orders and legal consequences. Prayer is the most effective path toward relational healing. Only God can change hearts and minds; we can’t. Working through relational fracture is challenging and requires the gifting of the Holy Spirit. Without the patience, kindness, and self-control from the Spirit, things won’t go well. Choose to clothe yourself in the fruit of the Spirit even when others don’t. Let God begin the path toward healing, starting in your own heart. Even if a relationship cannot be healed, God is present with us in our pain and walks with us through the messiness of broken relationships.
About the Author
Rev. Deb Koster leads the Christian Reformed Church's family and marriage ministry, FamilyFire.com, at ReFrame Ministries. She and her husband, Steven, worship at Grace Christian Reformed Church in Grand Rapids, Mich.
