Should we connect with a former daughter-in-law for the sake of our grandkids when our son would feel betrayed by our doing so?
It can be difficult to know how to manage relationships after a divorce. It is understandable to want to preserve relationships, especially for the sake of being involved in your grandkids’ lives. They will be hurting after their parents’ breakup, and they could really benefit from the stability of a grandparent’s love.
While your son and former daughter-in-law might each try to get you to pick sides or win your allegiance, it is important to stay out of their conflict. Do your best to maintain neutrality, and keep loving everyone in the situation, recognizing that in the aftermath of a dissolved relationship, everyone is hurting and in need of care. Avoid casting blame when only God knows the whole truth. Take time to listen to your son’s concerns, and consider them prayerfully. While your son might want you to avoid his ex, that is not his decision. We all get to choose whom we interact with in life.
People who have been through a relationship breakup might feel abandoned, alone, and unloved. Help your son to see that you love him. Offer reassurance that your connection with his ex is not an act of betrayal, but an act of care for your grandchildren. It is not uncommon for hurting people to lash out at others, so try not to take it personally. Though your son might be upset in the moment, he might come around when he sees your care for his children.
Communicate honestly and directly. Never put children in the position of being messengers. If needed to set clear expectations, put information in writing through texts or email. We should be honest about what we are doing.
God calls us to treat everyone with respect and dignity as people made in God’s image. We should never belittle or demean anyone, so be mindful of the words you use. Be gracious in your words and actions so that others experience the love of Jesus.
About the Author
Rev. Deb Koster leads the Christian Reformed Church's family and marriage ministry, FamilyFire.com, at ReFrame Ministries. She and her husband, Steven, worship at Grace Christian Reformed Church in Grand Rapids, Mich.