Punch Lines

A minister was approached by a congregant who said he was worried about the strange dreams he was having. Concerned, the pastor asked what type of dreams they were.

The man explained that, the night before, he had dreamed he was in the Old West. He was riding his horse out of town when he met a Wells Fargo coach. He flagged down the coach, got off his horse, opened the door, and climbed in. Inside, he slid across the seat, opened the other door, exited, remounted his horse, and rode away.

The minister pondered this for several minutes, then told the man, “Don’t worry! It’s just a stage you’re going through.”

—Dave Hollander

My mother, who is in her 103rd year and lives independently, has slowly lost some of her vision and hearing. After being urged for many years to acquire and use a hearing aid, she finally relented. On the phone recently, she proudly told me that she was able to insert that “tiny little battery” in place and insert the hearing aid correctly into her ear, even though her hands shake a bit. And then she announced, “Chuck . . . that toilet sure does make a lot of noise!”

—Chuck Lindemulder

Billy: “I can be sick for nothing because my dad is a doctor.”
Jimmy: “Oh yeah? Well, I can be good for nothing because my dad is a preacher.”

—Dick Bylsma

A Christian school teacher asked her class to draw a picture of something in the Bible. One little boy drew a picture of a couple sitting in the back seat of a car and a man driving the car.
The teacher was puzzled and said, “What is this supposed to be?”
The boy answered, “Don’t you know? This is God driving Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden!”

—Lois Gort

As a Children and Worship leader, I was telling the story of Jesus going to the temple as a boy. After celebrating the Passover, Mary and Joseph leave for home, while Jesus returns to the temple. We wondered together how Mary and Joseph must have felt when they couldn’t find Jesus, why they were so anxious and worried. A child replied, “It wouldn’t have been a problem if Jesus had a cell phone.”

—Alice Apol

The light turned yellow just in front of her. She did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk even though she could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating man was furious and honked his horn, knocking over his coffee and dropping his cell phone as he screamed in frustration that he had missed his chance to get through the intersection.

As he was still in mid-rant, he heard a tap on his window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered him to exit the car with his hands up.
He was taken to the police station, where he was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and escorted the man back to the booking desk, where the arresting officer was waiting with his personal effects.

“I’m very sorry for this mistake,” began the officer. “You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn and cussing a blue streak at the woman ahead of you. I noticed the “What Would Jesus Do?” license plate holder and the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker, along with the chrome-plated fish emblem on the trunk . . . so naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”

—Earl Clements